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From the Camp to the Campy... Jason goes to Space!














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Man, the future is gonna suck like a spatial current of cheese. Star Trek The Next Generation has proven that in the future there is no cure for baldness. Star Trek Enterprise has proven that in the future there's no cure for overacting. After the year 2001 actually passed we all realized we'd never have anything as cool as what we saw in the MOVIE 2001. Serenity showed us that corporations are still led by jerks in the future. Alien indicated that just when you get a crappy trucking job, things get much worse hella quick. Highlander 2 proved that in the future even immortals suck like Leeches in a Warrant cover band.

But the subject of today's review shows that the future is the hole in the ass that is time. What do I mean? In director James Isaac's Jason X, AKA Friday the Thirteenth Part 10, we find out that no matter how cool the commandoes are, no matter how hot the chicks are, Jason Voorhees will still be around to stink up the room, murder beautiful women and force a corn and cheese infusion into any movie he disgraces. So, I guess it's Death, Taxes and Jason. Damn... I could live with the first two...
WHY KILL THE HOT CHICKS?! 

 

Yeah, in spite of the fact that Jason went to hell in... uh... Jason Goes to Hell, Buckwheat's back, machete in hand, hockey mask strapped on and Sears Wardrobe at the ready. The good news is he's still played by Kane Hodder... the bad news is Producer Sean S. Cunningham has taken a page from the 1996 Cheese Sandwich Hellraiser: Bloodline (mistake number X) and home-boy gets sent to space and borgified. Yeah... Borg Jason in Space... Resistance is futile. But let's start at the beginning (that being the year 2010... the year we were supposed to have made contact). At long last, Jason has been contained and he's about to get the coolest apartment anywhere around Crystal Lake... that being a Cryogenic Freezing Chamber in the (get this) "Crystal Lake Research Facility"! Of course, with a "specimen" like Jason, the powers that be (in the form of an officious little prick played by, I shit you not, David Cronenberg) want to try using him as a weapon. Yeah, I saw Alien... clearly so did writer Todd Farmer. I'm not so sure this is what Victor Miller intended when he created these characters, but hey... What do I know?

Needless to say, Jason kills a butt load of scientists and security personnel before finally getting flash frozen along with the incredibly hot Rowan (the incredibly hot Lexa Doig who played an incredibly hot, advanced android on the TV Show Andromeda). Four Hundred and Fifty Five frustrating years later, Rowan is awakened into a new century with tiny nanomachines that can remake living tissue, virtual reality games that preserve the ancient and dishonorable tradition of "The Computer Geek", and most interestingly an advanced android named Kay-Em 14 (the also hot Lisa Ryder who played a human on the TV Show Andromeda).

But of course, the geese who found her also brought Crystal Lake's most famous Mamma's Boy on board with them. Anyone who has seen any Friday the 13th flick ever knows that old J.Vo, is going to wake up and act like a motherfucker all over the damned ship. Unfortunately, anyone who has seen the trailer, TV Promo or even just the poster for this "Campy" movie also knows that those friendly little Nanomachines also get a shot at healing up our Jasonator into the Terminator... or, as he's credited, "Über-Jason". While this Cyborg Jason could have been a nifty little reveal (even I'll admit to thinking he's kind of cool in a goof-ball-in-the-corner-pocket kind of way), they let the stag out of the bag to make damned sure that Sci-Fi Fans and Horror Fans alike lined up to make Jason X the mega-success that it was.

Except it wasn't. The relatively meager budget (especially for a Sci-Fi Flick) of 13.5 Million Bucks, this noodle made only 13.1 Million at the Box Office. You think the "Bad Luck Number" had to do with this? Not in this series, pal!

In many ways, this is all for the best because Jason X is a Corn-Cheese fest. The scenarios are goofy to start with and the setting in space adds an extra nacho to the pile. The film so apes Alien that I half expected that ridiculous little Jason monster worm from Jason Goes to Hell to pop out of some jackass' chest and sing some Michigan J. Frog songs. Further, it's hard not to think of this as just another riff on the same damned theme that the Friday gang has been milking since 1981's Friday the 13th Part 2. All the gratuities are there (updated for a Friday in the far, far future), and it's even upped to the Jasonth Degree (through a series of ridiculous events, Captain Voorhees actually kills more people with one accident than he ever did in his Crystal Lake Heyday! What a Douche.

But on the other hand, this flick isn't the bottom of the bottom of the barrel either. For one thing, Peter Mensah's grunt leader Sgt. Brodski is a kick ass action hero with more than his fair share of hilarious lines. Well... funny lines. Well, Lines. For another, Lexa Doig is not only fantastically hot, but also quite a fine actress. Meanwhile Ryder's Android is pretty fun to watch and cool enough to root for as she kicks ass and amputates limbs.

Finally... Friday Fans are getting what they deserve for paying for nine other flicks (of devolving quality) and one more after this one. Now before you Hockey-Heads go and write me hate mail, I'm one of the skull-fractures who has green-greased the palm of many a counter attendant for not one or two, but all eleven Friday Flicks so far... and on DVD no less. This crap is my fault as much as anyone's. So let's have fun with it, huh? It's a goofy, funny toy-movie, with some fantastic (yet all-too-brief) nudity, and some gut braiding gruesome moments. To be fair, even with the added American Single of the Outer-Space theme, it's leaps and bounds better than Jason Goes to Hell or any of the Bloody Murder flicks. Okay, not leaps and bounds, but it's better, a'ight?

Clearly, this is what the "Bad Luck Series" was really needing, a rocket to the Ass! Still, when Jason X launches to the stars, he only manages to pull down Two Stars out of Five. So, until the Cast of Andromeda teams up to fight Freddy or Michael or... well, no, not "Trevor"... I'll see you in the next reel. Or hey, Jason and Pinhead versus the Borg... Why not? You're half way there anyway. Crap on a stick, Jason X puts the "Ass" in Assimilate!

Kiss me!